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Climbing the Family Tree
By Bette Hoxie

Each fall as my children go back to school, I wonder how long it will be before one or more of the kids comes home and says, “Mom I need to do my family tree.” As the parent of 16 children and only 3 by birth, ours is a complicated tree to say the least! Where to start and how to keep it as simple, yet honest as possible is an interesting dilemma. I do not want my children to feel that anyone of them is less significant then another. I also do not want too much of their private, before adoption story told to the public.

A family tree established by most school systems does not allow room for two mothers or two fathers or for multiple unrelated and some related siblings, (not all of which live in the same family!) The school systems have yet to come to terms with the fact that the traditional two parent family seldom exits in this day and age.
Some school assignments can create a real challenge for children residing in foster care, or who are adopted or are being raised by a relative, for instance a grandparent. Life is complicated for these special children of ours. So taking the time to plan ahead for the day when your child comes home and says, “the assignment is to do a family tree” may be a very good practice. Meet with your child’s teachers, Sunday school teachers, scout leaders, and any other group leader that may think the family tree is a fun activity. Share with the teachers a family tree program that allows for the special types of families alluded to in this article. Having an action plan in place may change what could have been a disaster into a happy childhood experience.

AFFM has some alternative family tree templates on file, so feel free to call and ask for them, 1-800-833-9786

What's New At AFFM? Lots!!!

First and foremost, AFFM is thrilled to welcome Katherine Ratliff as our new Program Administrator! Kathy has a diverse background in business, accounting, and as a paralegal.
Kathy is a mom of two children and is dedicated to a world where children are well nurtured and live in peace. She is delighted that her position here at AFFM allows her the opportunity to be a small part of improving the lives of Maine’s children and their families. Kathy is quick to learn and has embraced the hectic and diverse pace of the AFFM office. Welcome, Kathy!

Also new at AFFM is our data base! This ACT data base will enable us to keep current and accurate information for each of our families. It has also given us the capability of printing our own address labels for the monthly newsletters (these were previously generated by DHHS).
We now have the ability to edit and correct the spellings of names and addresses, as well as remove duplicate listings from the mailing.

IF THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS MONTH’S ADDRESS LABEL ON YOUR NEWSLETTER, OR YOU ARE RECEIVING DUPLICATES, PLEASE CALL THE AFFM OFFICE SO THAT WE MAY MAKE THE CORRECTIONS!!! (1-800-833-9786 OR 827-2331)

Thank you for your patience during this time of transition!

1. Adolescents are ambivalent! They often don’t know what they want and they try to cover this up by acting “super sure”.

2. Adolescents NEED and WANT limits! They need to know that you are not as ambivalent as they are. Setting limits on their behavior still feels safe (even when they try to prove you otherwise!).

3. You CAN do something about behavior, but you cannot DIRECTLY change attitudes and feelings! Confront the adolescent with his/her behavior, and hold them responsible for their actions.

4. Adolescents want independence, but they are also frightened of it! See #1 above. They are often caught between feeling “in control” of themselves and unsure and awkward at the same time.

5. Adolescents often do not have clear goals. They live in the present, and have difficulty
understanding our concerns about the future or the past.

6. You must teach them that it is NORMAL and SAFE to leave home and become independent.
They need experiences which make them feel good about their ability to function independently.

7. You STILL matter~ they do hear what you say, EVEN when they act like they don’t! You may not have control over them, but you have tremendous INFLUENCE.

8. Fitting in with the peer group is their PRIMARY concern! Being accepted by friends makes them feel good about themselves~ much of their “bad” behavior isn’t intended to hurt or reject you, it is a way of being accepted by their peer group.

9. Adolescent behavior is very contradictory ~ don’t expect yourself to understand it all! See #1 and try not to get discouraged, no one can keep up with all the changing moods of a teenager.

10. Adolescents respond best when you show them the respect you show your good friends.
Constant lecturing serves to make teens feel unvalued. The tone of our voice and the words we
use are very important to our “almost adult child”.

Adapted from Patricia Miller, OTR

Angels Dancing with Horse’s is a non-profit organization that offers a summer camp and still has available space! Angels Dancing with Horse’s goal is to enrich the lives of children as well as adults with disabilities through Equine Assisted Therapy, one hoof beat at a time! This program is for individuals with behavioral and emotional challenges. The positive horse and human interaction experienced through therapeutic riding can result in a greater sense of teamwork, responsibility and communication. As the bond develops, so does the student's ability to take risks and deal with both success and failure. For more information about Angels Dancing with Horses, go to their website at www.serenitymountainstables.com

Who We Are
The Four Square Foundation is a non-profit partner of the Maine Youth Transition Collaborative, whose work involves establishing, and helping to manage, a community network of service providers, and supports dedicated to assisting youth at risk (with a focus on youth aging out of the foster care system, but not exclusively this population), in making successful transitions to adulthood.
Four Square currently have several youth entering their own apartments, and they are looking for several household items to help! Items they are currently in need of sheets/towels, small appliances, and furniture (especially bureaus).

If you would like to donate, or to learn more about the Four Square Foundation, please contact Nancy McKechnie at 990-3195.

A complete biography of The Four Square Foundation will appear in the August edition of Family Ties.

The Maine Chapter of the FFTA (Foster Family-based Treatment Association) will be holding its annual conference on Oct. 19th and 20th in Portland, Maine. The conference is a collaboration of Maine’s treatment foster care agencies and other organizations that serve foster/adoptive/kinship families. All caregivers and providers are invited and encouraged to attend. This year’s theme is, “The Caregiver’s Journey” with a keynote presentation by Maine’s own Stephen Andrew, a provider, consultant , and passionate advocate for children and the
parents who raise them. Workshops will include a focus on taking care of yourself; practical skills and knowledge to meet the challenges of raising boys and girls in today’s world; and a panel discussion with former youth in care and the foster parents who cared for them. Brochures will be out soon, stay tuned!

Nick (DOB 11/91) is a friendly, affectionate young man with autism. Nick loves being outside and playing in the sand, feeding ducks, swimming, and going shopping. Nick went downhill skiing (with assistance) this winter. He is mostly non-verbal but does say a few words to communicate his needs. He has some trouble sleeping at night and is taking medication to help with this.

Nick struggles at times because he isn't able to verbalize his wants and needs but his communication is improving. He is learning to communicate with pictures and some minimal sign language. He is in a special school program where they work specifically with children with autism. He is learning colors and likes to play with beads, sand, and rice. Nick is learning some self-care skills, but still requires daily assistance. It is important that Nick’s caregiver maintain close eyes-on care while he is awake.

Nick has contact with his twin sister and a brother. He also has a strong bond with a former rehabilitation worker he visits every month. He has shown the ability to connect with staff in his group home and at school. It is strongly encouraged that these connections be maintained in an adoptive home.

Adoption subsidy may be available for the family who is able to give Nick the adoptive home he deserves. Families with completed home studies, or those interested in receiving more information about Nick, should contact Patti Bourgoin at the Maine Department of Health and Human Services, 35 Anthony Avenue, Augusta, 624-8000