When Johnny (not real name) came to live with my family and I he was 6 years old. Until Johnny came to live with us, he had lived a rather rough and tumble existence in his birth home. His mother was extremely passive and seldom intervened when Johnny's father took his frustrations out on Johnny. In many ways Johnny was the parent to his two younger siblings. He especially doted on his 3-year-old sister. He dressed her and even braided her long blonde hair. It was a role he assumed and as a result his parents and grandparents thought he was just being "a really good big brother." Because Johnny seemed so mature to his family, they were surprised and sad when Johnny repeated kindergarten. A move from one residence to another had proved to be a setback for him. In his new school, as part of the Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE), Johnny learned about the dangers involved with the misuse of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Johnny knew his father drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes. On a day when school was released early, Johnny came home and found his father using and dealing drugs. Johnny's father got very angry with Johnny when he confronted him and his friends and told them, "drugs are not safe and you could die if you use them."

Worrying that his father was going to die made Johnny realize he had to have some help with this problem. He shared his concerns with the school DARE instructor, who ultimately contacted DHS. When DHS approached his parents, Johnny got really scared. He knew his father would be angry and felt that his father would go to jail because of him. His mother, realizing that she would be held responsible for neglecting her children if she stayed with her husband, immediately went to court and filed for a separation. Johnny's fears intensified. He felt not only responsible for his father being arrested, but also for his family falling apart. He became suicidal. He ran out in front of a tractor-trailer truck, hoping to be hit and die. When that attempt failed, he wrapped his head in a plastic bag. His mother discovered him and took him by ambulance to the hospital. Luckily he did not sustain any long-term affects from the plastic bag as it was removed soon after he had made the threat. His mother, knowing that she could not keep him safe, insisted that he be admitted to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. The evaluation indicated that Johnny was at high risk for committing suicide should he return to his home. His mother agreed for DHS to take custody of Johnny. His mother retained custody of the two siblings with the agreement that she would seek family counseling, parenting classes and refrain from contact with her husband.

Johnny's mother and I met at the hospital. The hospital's Family Support Team supported us both. Johnny's mother, Brenda, and I discovered we had friends in common and that helped to reduce the tension between us. Brenda was sad that her son would reside in foster care, but was pleased to have him with someone with whom she felt comfortable. I was pleased that I would have first hand information from Johnny's family about his history, his likes and dislikes. I personally believe that children, who must live away from their parents, do better when the substitute family and birth family get along and work well together. Communication between all the parties involved in the life of a child are essential to positive outcomes. When communication becomes the norm, rather then the exception, things run more smoothly.

The initial plan was for Johnny to live with us for about six months. As a team, we met frequently at the hospital. Johnny's mother worked hard to pave the way for his return to her home. She took every class she could find on parenting, visited faithfully in my home, observed my parenting techniques and took some of them on as her own. She had very little financial support, as she was now a single mother. Her husband who had seldom provided financially for his family before now, claimed he was not able to support the family at all now that he was facing a divorce and a possible fine for his drug related errors. Both parents were appointed a court appointed attorney. Johnny also had an attorney acting on his behalf.

As weeks and months went by, Johnny's mother and siblings became stronger and stronger emotionally. At the six-month juncture in his placement, an effort was made to return him to Brenda. She had worked diligently and jumped through all the hoops and fulfilled the court ordered agreement. With the support of friends, family and my family Brenda had become a much stronger parent and a more self assured individual. The team was convinced that she and Johnny would be successful in their reunification. Weekend visits, including over nights had gone well. However, Johnny was not accustomed to his mother's newfound assertiveness and he wanted to return to his old role as the family leader. He challenged her repeatedly and ultimately sabotaged the reunification effort. Brenda was devastated that after all her hard work she was not able to maintain her son at home. She was so afraid that he would harm himself that she did not feel equipped to keep him. She spoke with the DHS caseworker and told her that she wanted him to be back with me. Johnny had to go by the rules in my home and was able to act like a child. The assumption from the onset of his placement was that I was the person in charge, which allowed him to be a kid.

Brenda and I attended family therapy with Johnny together. The therapist helped us work out a system to support Johnny while teaching him how much his mother had grown and how he could trust her in the same way he trusted me. Together Brenda and I spent hours playing with Johnny and his siblings. With guidance from Johnny's psychiatrist, I role modeled what we hoped would be a formula for success. The goal was for Johnny to trust Brenda as he did me and for Brenda to trust herself. A year later we were still struggling to make a successful transition and ultimately the case worker, support team members, Brenda and I agreed that long term foster care with me was in Johnny's best interest. Visits continued and Johnny spent all of his holidays and week ends with Brenda. Johnny did quite well in school and when he was home for no more then 2 days at a time he did very well.

Johnny was a clever little boy and frequently played Brenda and I against one another. If he wanted an expensive toy, he would tell his mother I said he could have it if she bought it and/or visa versa. He would tell me that his mother said he needed a different style of clothing or a fancier hairstyle or whatever it was he wanted. Luckily for Brenda and for me, we spoke to each other on the phone nearly every day. We met at counseling sessions and we shared the transporting of him between the two homes. Brenda and I agreed that Johnny would not be allowed to manipulate us. Our united front made for a much more harmonious relationship and kept Johnny from becoming a very spoiled little boy. He still tried to manipulate us and would be angry with us for joining forces. Now as a young adult, he laughs at the way he tried to get his way and at how clever his two mom's were at making sure he did not get more then his fair share.

I deliberately used the term two moms in the last paragraph so that I could segue into another topic. Many foster parents and birth parents end up with hurt feelings over what the child or children call their foster parents. In my foster home we established a relationship with parents in the placement. I let the mothers know that I was not trying to take their place. If a child called me "mom" it was their choice" not what I asked of them. Johnny was never made to feel as though he had to choose between Brenda and myself.

For me, the most successful placements were the ones where the parents visited in my home. They were successful because the children saw us working together. They accepted that my family was acceptant of theirs and that helped to make the kids feel better about themselves. The birth parents felt good because once they were told the ground rules for visiting in my home, they had free reign to take care of their own children and enjoy themselves. The ground rules were shared, not as an authoritarian gesture, but as a way to make the family feel comfortable about what people could and could not do in my home. Foster families are often told to write the rules of the home down for the foster children. This is also a good way to establish boundaries with the parents. Everyone feels better and more accepted if they know what to expect. There are few situations where visits in the foster home may not work but for the most part they can be made to be very safe and appropriate.

I particularly remember one Christmas when Brenda shared with me that she had very little money to buy gifts for the holidays. I told her what Johnny had asked for Christmas. Johnny and one of my sons were nearly the same age and were in the same grade in school. They usually played with the same types of toys and games. They both wanted snow boards for Christmas. I purchased the snowboards and thought all was well until Johnny returned from spending Christmas with Brenda and the other children. He brought with him a much larger and more expensive snowboard then the one I had bought for both he and my son. It seems that Johnny not only asked his mother and I for a snowboard, but had also asked his maternal grandmother! Sometimes even parents who communicate well cannot cover all the bases. Johnny's two Moms shared a special smile and learned a lesson on what to do the next time!

As foster, adoptive and kinship parents, it is important to keep an open mind about the birth family members. Good communication between all the parents can be the best way to assist a child in reunification and or in moving towards some other form of permanency.

~Bette