Frank Kunstal Presents
AFFM is pleased to introduce
Frank Kunstal Ed.D. who will be presenting
at the conference April 2 and 3, 2004. Frank
has a gift for assessing difficult parent-child
relationships and offering meaningful solutions
for handling them. Come prepared to have
fun and be awed by some new ideas on old
theories!
The following is an article
with creative recommendations for changing
our reactions to difficult behaviors. Plan
to attend the conference and learn first hand
how simple solutions can make a huge difference.
When Lives Collide: The inner
world of the child, and the outer world of
the familyby Frank Kunstal, Ed.D.
What happens when the hopes
and expectations of foster parents - what
the child entering their home will be like,
and how he or she will respond to their care
and fit into their family - do not match their
experience? When, despite their most dedicated
efforts, the child remains an outsider, distant,
resistant, or controlling?
While most foster parents deal surprisingly
well with this difficult stress on family
life, it is easy to respond negatively. Families
may feel a sense of shattered hopes and dreams,
with the constant stress threatening existing
family bonds. In effect, the child, bound
by past negative experiences, has set a negative
tone in the foster family as well. The natural
frustration, disappointment and hurt experienced
by the foster parents can lead to negative
parenting responses, which then add to the
problem.
By learning to identify and avoid possible
negative responses, foster parents can help
the child - and even their own family - to
grow. This is challenging but crucial, because
the child needs all the good that the family
can offer. The following negative coping mechanisms
can be countered, with clear benefits to child
and family.
Ignoring problems. If foster parents cling
to unrealistic, rosy views of the child, ignoring
obvious problems, they don't see the real
child. They don't act to address problem behaviors
until they become overwhelming. A better approach
is to expect some behavior problems, which
naturally reflect the stresses of the child's
life, and to provide consistent rules and
structure.
Responding with anger. When a child continues
negative, confronting behavior, despite the
foster family's best efforts, it is natural
to feel hurt and angry. If, however, that
anger is not acknowledged and addressed in
a safe setting (such as a foster parent support
group, counseling, or even just keeping a
journal), it can become overwhelming. Excessive
discipline, unpredictable parenting, and spillover
anger into other family relationships can
all result. As foster parents, we need to
put a priority on taking care of ourselves,
as well as the child.
Emotional withdrawal. When the child's anger
and alienation tap into the parent's own emotional
issues, parents may brace themselves against
further hurt by resolving not to care. This
coping strategy, unfortunately, can defeat
all opportunities for growth and change. Again,
the key is finding ways to nurture ourselves,
to recognize our sensitivities, and to get
positive strokes from our family, friends,
and other aspects of our lives.
A split in the family. Often children in care
will "split" a foster parenting
couple, perceiving one as "the bad one"
the other as "the good one." This
coping mechanism of the child has little to
do with how effective and caring each foster
parent actually is, and more to do with anger
and hurt related to past parent figures. Yet
it can strain a marriage, as the child responds
to one parent lovingly and the other with
constant anger and criticism. Unless the parents
recognize what's happening, each may blame
the other. "You never give that kid a
break." "Well, you're always spoiling
him." The best approach is to understand
the problem, join together on shared rules
and standards, and make sure the parent branded
as "the bad one" has lots of clearly
stated support from the other.
Mixed or hidden agendas. If parents have entered
fostering for reasons other than the satisfaction
of helping and caring for a child, a child's
negative behaviors may be that much more upsetting.
The parents may, for example, have wanted
a playmate for a child by birth, or have hoped
to cement a shaky marriage. Or the parents
may simply never have examined or agreed upon
their real goals. Any such hidden or unclear
goals can add to the stress on family life,
because it's likely that the child (especially
one with negative behaviors) won't fulfill
these secret hopes. That's why it's so important
to look carefully at our true goals - if possible,
before the fostering relationship begins.
Giving up and giving in. If problems continue,
parents may just give up on trying to set
limits, almost handing over control to the
child. "Fine, don't do your homework.
Watch TV all day. I don't care anymore."
When that kind of thinking begins looming,
it's well past time to get some respite and
some support.
To help a child make needed changes, it is
often first necessary to change ourselves
and our responses to that child. We have to
become aware of our own contributions to the
relationship with a child in care. Destructive
parenting responses, left unchecked, can defeat
the process of growth. Creative, consistent
parenting, however, can turn stresses into
opportunities for growth.
