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Raising Grandchildren, Nieces, or Nephews

Raising children can be a wonderful, satisfying and enjoyable experience. Children can help us see the world a little differently and can bring an easy smile to the heart. However, raising children is not an easy experience under any circumstance. Usually when a child comes to live with a relative, it is because there has been some hardship within the family. Everyone involved will probably feel the stress of changes and ongoing demands.

The Personal Experience

Some things you should know:

• You are not alone. In the United States, grandparents, aunts, and uncles are raising over 2 million grandchildren, nieces, and nephews.
• There have always been relatives helping raise to children.
• There are others in your community who share many of your experiences and feelings.

Grandparent, Aunts, and Uncles sometimes express the following:

• I'm relieved that the child is safe and in a healthy place.
• I wonder where I might have gone wrong with my daughter.
• I am so glad to be with this child. He's the light of my life!
• I've never had to ask for help before and now I have to ask for help.
• I'm proud that we have pulled together for this child.
• I am so angry with my brother for not loving his daughter enough - now I have to step in and raise her.
• It's all worthwhile when this child says "I love you".
• I wanted to be a Granny and spoil her. I can't do that now.
• My old friends aren't interested in taking the baby along!
• I miss getting out to play golf or read a book or take a bath.
• I know I am making things better.
• I am worried that the mother might just come and take the children.
• I know I'm doing what needs to be done and that's good.
• I am so tired.

Some things you can do:

• Contact AFFM to get information or to find out about meeting other grandparents, aunts, and uncles in your part of the state.
• Gather your support people. This may be an organized group or a best friend. Talking does help.
• Gather your family. You may be taking on the most responsibility, but others may be willing to take the child to a movie or to their home for the weekend.
• If you have a spouse, be sure you are in agreement and that both of you take care of the child. Avoid letting the child make one of you the "good guy" and the other the "bad guy".
• There will be times your child will suddenly act worse and it is not because you did something wrong. Stay calm, be understanding and stick to your rules. Your child needs you to be strong and stable.
• Break the stress. You know what works for you, but you many need to be creative to find a way to do it. Here are some ideas:
• Try taking a 20 minute walk a few times a week (without the child).
• Find an activity for the child to participate in outside of the house. While the child is gone, do something just for you (not an errand).
• Take the child somewhere that is fun for the child and restful for you, like the library or a place outdoors.
• Make a house quiet time, when everyone does activities that do not bother anyone else (the teens can have their music, but with headphones!).

The Special Needs of Children from Disrupted Families

Sometimes children come to live with relatives and have only the usual challenges of growing up.

More often, the children come with emotional wounds and struggles related to their parent's problems, Children who have lost their family are often angry and afraid. Children who did not receive proper care often do not understand other people's expectations. Children whose mothers consumed drugs or alcohol during pregnancy often have limitations. Children who have led very unstable lives are often slow to trust that people will care for them. Children often need to test out the "new parents." The child may wonder: "Will they love me no matter what I do? Do they know I still love my mother and father?"

To overcome challenges, children need loving and consistent care. Most children need more help than any one person can give. Some children need professional help.

It is important to help the child understand what the family disruption is not their fault. The child's parents are not able to parent because of the parents' adult problems. Most children who are separated from their parents blame themselves for the separation. They often worry about their parents. You can help by:

• Talking with the child to help them understand the parents' problems.
• Set limits for the parents to ensure the child's safety and reduce the family stress.
• Support positive contact with the parents.
• Make sure the child hears you speak kindly to and of the parents.

Your Health

One of the challenges for a caregiver is to maintain your own health while you take care of others. Not only do you need to get yourself to the doctor for a checkup, you also need to eat right and get enough sleep, exercise, and take time to relax. It is difficult to make time for these things if you have a two-year-old in the house or if you are working full time and trying to get the kids to an evening basketball game. Remember, your family is depending on you to take care of yourself so you can continue to take care of them!

Look after your mental health as well. You and the child have experienced an enormous change. Sometimes it is hard to deal with all that is expected of you. You may need a break from the whole family.

Counseling may be very helpful. Some people think counseling suggests weakness; actually, it is a strength to recognize the limits of what you know how to do. You are facing a new and difficult situation. A counselor may help you to find the best way to deal with your new challenges. It may take time to find the right counselor. Ask lots of questions and choose someone with whom you feel comfortable.

What if I need time off from work?

If you work, it may be a challenge to get time off to attend to all the family responsibilities. Find out your company's policies regarding use of sick days, vacation time, and personal days. If you run out of paid leave, unpaid leave might be an option. Talk to your employer and try to problem solve together.

Maine's Family Medical Leave law required employers with 15 or more employees to allow up to 10 weeks unpaid leave. This is available when the employee has a child placed in connection with an adoption by the employee. The federal Family and Medical Leave Act requires employers with 50+ employees to allow up to 12 weeks unpaid leave when the employee begins parenting a foster or adopted child. Both the state and federal laws allow time off to care for a seriously ill member of the employee's immediate family.

The Child's Health

How do I get medical care?

When a child comes to live with you, take him or her to the doctor as soon as possible. You will want to have the doctor look for possible past injuries to the child or medical conditions. You will also want to make sure that the child is up-to-date on immunizations.

Find out where the child got medical care in the past. It may be very helpful if you can take the child to the same provider. If not, ask the new doctor's office to request the medical records from the past provider(s).

In order to provide medical care, the Medical Provider may require documents to prove you are the child's legal guardian or that you have power of attorney. If this is not the case, you will need a letter from the legal guardian or parent giving permission to sign for medical care. The letter must state the time frame for the permission. For example, the letter might give permission for Mary or Tom Smith to consent to Jane Brown's medical care from January 2001 to July 2002. If the child is in state custody, talk to the child's caseworker about getting routine medical care.

How do I know if the child is growing normally?

Each child grows in his or her own unique way. It is important to keep an eye on your child's development. There are ways you can encourage healthy development in your child. IF you child is struggling in some areas, it may be that you child has special needs. Early intervention can make a big difference. It may be a short-term problem or a long-term problem as the child adjusts to the changes in his or her life.

There are many great resources to learn about child development. Check out your local library, web sites, and pamphlets at social service agencies or your doctor's office. Contact the Child Development Services Program in your area. You can receive free photocopies of "The Growing Years", a series of fact sheets on child development. Call the Maine Cooperative Extension Service at 1 - 800 - 287 - 0274 and request the order form.

Does the child need counseling?

Like you, the child has experiences enormous change and will probably be struggling. Here are some signs that counseling may be needed:

• Sudden mood changes.
• Feeling unhappy for long periods of time.
• Strong feelings of nervousness or fear.
• Often losing his or her temper over small things.
• Physical pain with no physical cause.
• Dropping grades or poor work performance.
• Often angry.
• Difficulty getting along with peers.
• Very easily distracted.

      You need to find a counselor who will work with you as well as the child. Try to find someone with whom you are both comfortable.

How do I pay for the child's health care?

Medical benefits may be the single most important benefit you can get for the child who is living with you.

The child may be covered by a parent's insurance or by your insurance. If not, most children living with relatives are eligible for Medicaid or Cub Care. Medicaid provides comprehensive health coverage to low-income and disabled people. If you have few assets and your income is not more than 10% of the poverty level, you and the child may both be Medicaid eligible.

Cub Care is a state health insurance plan to meet the needs of children in low-income families with incomes above the Medicaid limits.

Your child may be eligible for Medicaid even if you are not. If you are not the child's parent, you can choose to apply for Medicaid for the child only. Your income and assets will not be counted. If you are the child's parent and your child has severe emotional disturbances, your child may be eligible for Medicaid services under the Katie Beckett option. This provides Medicaid coverage to children with specific types of handicaps. A disabled child getting Supplemental Security Income (SSI) automatically qualified for
Medicaid.

In addition to medical services Medicaid may provide for some non-medical therapeutic services. For example, from some children Medicaid paid for counseling, respite, therapeutic day care or therapeutic horseback riding. If you think your child needs other kinds of therapeutic services, talk to your child's doctor or counselor.

How do I apply for Medicaid?

Call 800-432-7825 or got to the nearest Department of Human Services office. You may need:

• Social Security numbers.
• Proof of relationship to child (for example: a birth certificate).
• Proof of income (if applying for yourself as well).

Child Protection and Foster Care

Everyone is responsible to see that children are not abused, neglected or abandoned. Are you worried that a child might be harmed? Are you worried about a child who is in the custody of the Department of Human Services (DHS)? Many relatives find they can work closely with the DHS to provide care and safety for a child. If you can help, it is important that you get actively involved as early as possible. Let people involved with the child know that you are there to help.

What do I do if I think the child has been abused or neglected by someone in the family?

If you cannot keep the child safe, contact the Department of Human services at the statewide child abuse report number 1 - 800 - 452 - 1999 or ask for a child protective worker. Talk with the child protective worker about developing a safe situation for the child.

If you think you can intervene and keep the child safe, share your concerns with the child's parents. Consider ways that you can help. You may be able to care for the child while the parents get a break or resolve some problems. You may be able to assist the parents in accessing some other needed resources. Sometimes a family is able to protect a child within the family.

If you do call the DHS and your call meets the criteria for response, the DHS will investigate. Usually, the DHS doesn't take the child out of the family. If the investigation results in concern that the child is in danger, the DHS will take the child into custody if the court determines this is necessary for the child's safety.

What can I do if I am worried that the DHS may take the child into custody and I want to care for the child?

Talk to the child's parents about giving you guardianship of the child. If the parents are willing, have them contact the DHS to see if this will meet the safety concerns. You can have specific safety agreements written into the guardianship agreement.

You can request that the DHS place the child with you should the child go into the DHS custody. Call the caseworker and let them know that you are available. Find out as much as you can from the caseworker about what will need to be done to keep the child safe. The caseworker will want assurance that you can keep the child safe and the you will work within the DHS plans for the child.

Can I become the child's foster parent?

Yes, if you and your home meet the qualification and the DHS staff believes it is in the child's best interest to place the child with you/ if you are the foster parent, the DHS is still the legal guardian. This means the DHS will make major decisions for the child. The DHS continues the role of monitoring parental contact, and helps the child and family get other services as well. These services may include counseling, respite, clothing and diaper allowance, camp and other therapeutic services. The child's situation will be reviewed in court.

If the child is already in custody of the state, how do I get to see the child?

Call you local DHS office and ask for Child and Family Services. Ask to speak to the child's caseworker. It may be that the child's caseworker is with a different office, but the local office, but the local office should be able to give you that information. Ask the caseworker for the opportunity to see the child.

What if the child is in state custody and I want custody instead?

Custody decisions are made by the court. At the court preceding, there are parties to the child's case; these parties have legal standing regarding decisions for the child. Parties to the court proceeding are the people who have a voice in what happens to the child. Typically, the parties to a case include the parents (represented by their lawyers), the DHS (represented by an Assistant Attorney General) and the guardian-ad-Litem, whose job it is to represent the child's best interest.

If you want your opinion or concern to be heard in court, you may want to become a party to the case yourself. To become a party to the case, you must petition the court for intervenor status. If the judge grants you intervenor status, you will be able to go to court and advocate for what you think should happen to the child.

You petition for intervenor status by petitioning the judge. The petition is a letter that must contain specific information concerning the case. It is possible to petition for intervenor status without a lawyer, but most people will want to be represented by an attorney. You must petition for each legal proceeding.

Where can I get more information about the child protective and court system?

Web address:	www.mainekids-kin.org
Email:	info@familiesandchildren.org
AFFM Phone:	1-800-833-9786 or 207-827-2331
Maine Kids-Kin Bangor Office:	207-941-2347 or 1-866-298-0896
Maine Kids-Kin Westbrook Office:	207-591-6278
Office address:	Maine Kids-Kin, c/o FACT, 304 Hancock Street, Bangor, ME 04401